As Always,
Master P
Master P’s Top Twenty-Five!!!!
1) Chris Johnson – Was last seen on “Cash Cab” where he was asked, “Complete this sentence: The Midnight Ride of…?” Johnson answered, “Sheet! I dunno! Kanye West?” Wrong! But he’s the right pick at number one.
2) Arian Foster – He took singing and dancing lessons in the offseason. Created an international uproar when he said he wants to be the “new Michael Jackson – only black this time.” Still, he’ll be dancing plenty in the end zone this season so draft him number two.
3) Adrian Peterson – Snookie says she had a dream she licked peach schnapps off AP’s abs. Brett Favre reportedly told him the same thing last year. It’s a strange world and getting stranger. But expect big numbers again from the ripped one.
4) Jamal Charles – It’s no wonder Charles has the initials J.C. – he’s here to save Chiefs football world from eternal damnation. Now if he could just do something about the illegal aliens in Arizona. Hot Fantasy Tip: When in doubt pick a fast dude.
5) Ray Rice – Rice spent his off-season in Miami where he graduated from “Lebron James’ School of Champions” where you have to fail the final in order to pass the course. Other than that the little guy is a true winner. Don’t be afraid to pick the midget for fantasy happiness.
6) Maurice Jones-Drew – MJD tested positive for the controversial new performance enhancing drug of Miracle-Gro. Unfortunately, in addition to getting a four game suspension he turned into a black Chia Pet. Just remember to water him daily and he’ll score touchdowns for you.
7) Andre Johnson – Has been cross-training with Lady Gaga. NFL warns if he reveals any skin in touchdown celebrations they’ll fine him $10,000 dollars per exposed nipple. Johnson mum on potential “Nipplegate”. Regardless grab him in top ten.
8) Aaron Rodgers – A-Rod has been seen on TMZ with Playboy Playmate Tara Cotton. Suffered “unrelated” groin pull and is expected to miss first two weeks of training camp but hopes to make full recovery. It’s good to be A-Rod.
9) Rashard Mendenhall – Pittsburgh back tweeted: “I spect me 2B tha man dis yr. Teachin English to Mungs on me off daze. Volunteer werk B where iz at!” Huh? IQ of a potato but he can run through a steel fence.
10) Michael Turner – The Good: Lost twenty pounds on kiwi and peanut butter smoothie diet. The Bad: Chronic Diarrhea. Pick him lower than last year because the tread is beginning to show wear.
11) Frank Gore – Failed in tryout for “Dancing with the Stars” when he broke a toenail and needed three weeks of rehabilitation. Other than that he’s the toughest SOB you’ll ever find on the Injured Reserve list.
12) Roddy White – Will be starring in own reality series called “Roddy’s World” in which he and younger twin brothers Ratty and Riggy compete for the title of Beer Pong Champions of the greater Atlanta area. White promises to show the world he is way more than just another overpaid wide receiver with a big mouth and a thirst for alcohol.
13) Michael Vick – Went on Middle East tour with Lindsay Lohan to promote animal rights and sexual abstinence. Failed miserably after he kicked the shit out of a stray cat and hooked up with the little bitch. Oh well, there’s always next year. Still, he’ll probably score on the field too so draft him high.
14) Calvin Johnson – His application to legally change his first name to “Thor” was denied when Johnson claimed birth name Calvin “Is way too gay” was deemed insufficient rationale by Detroit Clerk of Courts. Johnson promises to take out anger on tiny defensive backs in 2011 season.
15) LeSean McCoy – He is the first black person EVER to publically support Sarah Palin in her 2012 presidential run. That fact alone supports NFL policy on closer monitoring of concussions. Even though he may be stupid, he’s as quick as a cricket so pick ‘im.
16) Tom Brady – The third ex-wife of Master P sighed every time she saw Tom Terrific’s beautiful face. He’s so pretty that once even my junk moved when he smiled. Sometimes I get so confused.
16) Steven Jackson – Promises to shave his dreads if he doesn’t score more than six touchdowns this year. “Locks for Love” already has recipient waiting for hair delivery the day the season ends. Have a nice season baldy.
17) Drew Brees – This offseason has been seen hanging around with Ryan Seacrest from American Idol. Seacrest tweets they’re “just best friends who both happen to enjoy shopping.” Oh, really?
18) Greg Jennings – Jennings tweeted he wants to be known as “Black Sugar”. And I want be known as “White Licorice Nibs of Polish Descent”. But I’m betting neither nickname sticks. All in all Mr. Jennings will still put up sweet numbers.
19) Darren McFadden – Owner Al Davis promises to get McFadden “more involved in the offense this year”. Also added that Coach John Madden totally agreed. McFadden in emergency room for “a really, really bad boo-boo” and couldn’t be reached for comment.
20) Hakeem Nicks – Nicks’ vertical leap is up to 52 inches and his body fat tested at negative 0.9%. His personal trainer, Octavious Metamusil, says it’s due to a revolutionary daily infusion or wild rabbit blood and catfish oil. Metamusil expects the elongated ears and the formation of gills on Nicks’ neck to fade by training camp.
21) Knowshon Moreno – Has been attending daily mass with Tim Tebow in the hopes of developing a special bond. Unfortunately Tebow’s belief in rejecting pre-marital sex has clashed with Moreno hitting on girls in the choir. New coach John Fox says he will stay out of the issue as he is too busy worrying about other Broncos scoring woes.
22) Ryan Matthews – RB hopes to justify high pick after last year’s fantasy failure. Has been training on “Suicide Hill” with ex-Charger LaDanian Tomlinson and his dog “Norv”. You guessed it; Norv is a mutt with a butt-ugly face.
23) Reggie Wayne – Tired of being taken for granted, Wayne requested a sit-down with Payton Manning last month. Unnamed sources reveal that Manning “can’t believe that a black guy is such a little wiener”. Trouble in Indianapolis’ paradise?
24) Payton Manning – Speaking of paradise, Manning’s obsession with football is guaranteed to last another generation. He recently named his newborn baby boy “Blue-16-Split Left-Flow-Zebra-Amazon Flea on Two.” His wife, Ashley, expects their newest addition to fit in well with their purebred Bloodhound named Monster-36-Z-Roll-Wide-Right on One.
25) Brandon Marshall – Forty time is slower this year due to weight of ankle bracelet applied by Dolphin management to monitor illegal activity. Broken fingers suffered in domestic altercation aren’t helping much either. But Marshall believes special brew of “Purple Drank” is sure to cure what ails him. Be afraid, be very afraid.
